How to talk to your kids about sex

This is an automatically translated article.

The article is professionally consulted with Master, Doctor Nguyen Minh Tuan - Pediatrician - Pediatrics - Neonatology Department - Vinmec Danang International General Hospital.
Children live in a highly sexed society, where they are exposed to sexual language, images and behavior before being prepared to handle it. Children can ask questions related to sex at any time, how do you prepare for this situation?

1. What do children expect in relation to sex at this age?

By the age of 3 - 4 years, children begin to feel clearly about gender identity. Naturally, a child's body becomes the focal point for figuring out social behavior and surrounding relationships.
Preschoolers start to wonder where they come from, and how does pregnancy work? The growth and birth of children will make them fascinated, especially if the mother is pregnant with the child's baby.
It's natural that preschoolers want to understand more about their bodies and yours, and they're not shy about asking about it. Meanwhile, parents were more likely to be the ones blushing or avoiding the subject.
In fact, preschoolers can't grasp the mechanics of sex, they don't understand the emotions behind adult love, and they can be intimidated by discussions about menstruation and relationships. sex , labor , and other things natural bodily states that babies can't yet understand.

2. How to talk to your child about sex

2.1. Stay calm and relax

You need to keep calm and relax a bit, the best way is to be as realistic as possible when your child asks questions about sex or any other confusing topic so that they do not get the message that Talking to you about certain things can be embarrassing or taboo.
Of course it's always easier said than done, many adults feel awkward talking about sex with a child because they don't have a lot of experience and because they're afraid to say too much when the discussion begins. head. The best strategy is to try to answer questions realistically and calmly, even if it seems unusual or embarrassing.
If it's hard for you to talk about sex with your kids, try rehearsing your answers in your head or with your spouse. Take advantage of questions asked when you and your child are both comfortable, like in the playroom while you're solving puzzles, at snack time, or in quiet moments when you're putting your baby to bed. . Cars are also a great place to talk about easy topics, as keeping your eyes on the road allows you to avoid eye contact, which can help you relax.
Jerome Kagan, professor of psychology at Harvard University, says: “It is important for parents to explain difficult topics without appearing nervous.” Because the child is paying attention to tone and gestures only parents rather than words you say.

2.2. Simple explanation

At this age, it is best to choose short and uncomplicated answers. Children will ask questions like "Where did you come from? How were you created? I was in your womb, and that's where I grew up until I was born?".
Although you probably don't want to, use correct names for body parts like "penis" and "vagina". It will reduce the feeling that the subject of sex is off-limits and embarrassing to the child.
A 3-year-old is most likely satisfied with the answers to his questions. But a 4-year-old can ask additional questions such as: "Can the baby grow in daddy's belly? How does the baby get food while in the womb? When will the baby come out? outside?". Continue to answer children's questions as long as they show interest, but don't overload them with information, if they're willing to stop and play with their toys.

2.3. Encourage children's interest

No matter what the child's question is, try not to ask him back questions like, "Where did you get that idea from?" or avoid the conversation with "We'll talk later; it's time for lunch." Either way, preschoolers will get the clear message that their questions are taboo and they shouldn't even be thinking about them.
Instead, praise the child "That's a good question," which also gives you some time to think about the answer to his question. After your talk, encourage your child to "You can ask me any time you want".
Of course, you never know when or where your preschooler will ask you questions. Your child may ask loudly what a vagina is when you are queuing at the supermarket, in which case you can answer his question quietly and then explain that it is best to discuss private intimate area.
Even if your child creates an embarrassing situation for you, try not to discourage him. They'll need to rely on your willingness to talk honestly with them as they work through the confusions of childhood, adolescence, and beyond.

2.4. Use daily opportunities

You don't have to wait for your child to start asking questions. Find opportunities to talk about sex when it comes naturally. For example, talk about body parts while your child is taking a bath or talk about conception when you let him know he's about to be a big brother.
There are many children's books and videos that also provide opportunities to talk about babies and how they are born. Some parents use story time to look at children's books about reproduction.
Pearl Simmons, an education specialist who teaches parenting classes at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh, said: “I recommend the book 'How Children Are Made', by Andrew Andry and Steven Schepp. You can sit down with your child and say you have a great book to share with him."

2.5. Teaching about privacy

Preschoolers can also understand "private time" and they may learn that they need to knock before entering your room or someone else's room.
You also need to make sure to follow the same rule yourself when the child closes the door. Your baby may not really want privacy at this age, although in fact, she may still want her own bathroom, but she'll have a better understanding of family rules if you follow them too.
Preschoolers can also learn that their private areas are private and that no one can touch them but parents, doctors or nurses and get help only after going to the bathroom or getting a checkup.

3. How to answer some children's questions about sex

3.1. Where do you come from?

“Where do you come from?” is often a preschooler's first question when asked about the facts of life. An easy answer would be, "You were created in your womb, and that's where you grow until you're ready to be born".
Some children may want to go into more detail, where you could say something like: "A seed from a father and an egg from a mother mix and form a baby in the womb, which is After that, you grow up in a special sack called a uterus, which is inside your mother's womb."
Logical follow-up questions could include, "Is that how all babies are made?". The answer would be: "Yes, all babies are created this way". And another question is "Can I have a baby?". The answer is: "No, only the female body can bear children".

3.2. What is sex?

Most preschoolers don't ask this question unless something they've seen or heard, usually from an older child or from a TV show or movie.
But if your child asks you this question, don't shy away from him. Tell your child, "Sex is a kind of cuddling that mom and dad do to show how much they love each other." If your child wants more detail, you can say, "Sex is a way that adults who love each other very much can be as close as possible, cuddling and kissing in a special way. Sometimes a man is a man. and a woman creates a baby when they have sex.”
Related questions you may hear at this age include, “Can I have sex? Why do parents have sex? What is making love? Is sex something parents do in bed?".

3.3. Can you show me how to make a baby?

Once kids hear about the "special way" moms and dads hug, kiss, and make babies, it's not a leap for a preschooler, it's curiosity. want to know what they hear. Be serious and answer honestly, "No. Mom and Dad only do it when we're alone."

3.4. Can I have a baby?

This is your chance to talk to your child about the difference between children's and adults' bodies. "No, giving birth is something that only adults can do. Right now, your body isn't ready, but you can do it when you're older."
Similar questions include, "Will you have children if you hug a friend of the opposite sex? No. Because the way adults hug and kiss when they make a baby is very different from the way a child hugs you, and because just Only two adult bodies can make a baby.

3.5. How does the baby come out of the mother's belly?

Preschoolers enjoy pregnancy and birth, and they can picture anything from mom vomiting a baby to dad pulling a baby out of the womb.
The simplest answer is: "After a long time, the baby grows too big for the mother's belly, so it has to be born". Many preschoolers are ready to hear, "The baby will be ready when he needs more food than he can get from the mother's belly, and when the baby is too big to fit inside. After that, dad will take mom to the hospital where the doctor can help the baby deliver.Grandma will take care of the baby for two or three days, then mom and baby will come home and we'll be together. . "

3.6. What are mom and dad doing?

Many parents fear that their child might walk into the room while they are having sex. This situation appears to be quite common. It can be hard not to be confused, but try telling your child to go back to his or her room and close the door.
You can say something like this to your child: "Darling, we need some privacy right now. If you go back to your room, I'll come help you in a minute." Then put on the robe, take a few deep breaths to calm down, and talk to your child.
"Mom and dad are cuddling each other in their own way, showing how much we love each other. Parents usually lock the door because it's a private matter, but this time we forgot." Depending on the child's response, you can ask, "Does that upset you? Is there anything else you need?".
You need to make sure that the child is not scared or worried by what he sees and emphasize that he has done nothing wrong. Absolutely do not shout, "You should knock!".
Depending on what your child sees, a preschooler's reaction to you making love can range from upset to "Did Dad hurt Mom?" or the child expresses curiosity "Why are you making that noise?" or "do your parents wrestle?"
If your child doesn't seem interested, don't go and explain what's going on, especially with younger children. Your baby may not be able to see much if the room is dark and you are under a blanket. Simply say "We had a special time together" or "We just hugged each other because we loved each other".
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References: babycenter.com, healthychildren.org